I’ve been living in denial of my very real character flaw. Analysis Paralysis. Perfectionism and Procrastination are the same thing. Even Though I’ve been searching and researching ideas on how to jump, the honest truth is I haven’t jump. I’ve been keeping myself so busy to keep my mind off the fact, that I don’t know what to do in my free time. But the thing is, and the hard reality of my truth is, I do know what I like to do.
I do it every day, WRITE.
I love interacting with people, and I love art. And it seems my life I am getting further and further away from those things. And when I look around, I ask myself, is this the life I really the life I want to live? How did I wake up and I’m 33 years old, and I still don’t have a business? How is it I’ve known about creating multiple streams of income and still I only have one source of income? Sure I invest my money, but that investment does not product money b/c everything just stays there.
So Many books I've read talk about "The Jump". Taking the calculated
Risks. What is it that I’m supposed to do and I think the answer is write my story (autobiography) that I’ve been so afraid to write. I “write” a book every year, of unrefined, unpublished self reflection. Writing is what I do. I enjoy it so much, but when I think about writing for the public it’s like I start drowning is self doubt. What if I invest all this time into something, and nothing comes out of it? But honestly, if I’m going to be writing anyways, why not write a book? Write a shitty book, and then write another shitty book, and another until a work of art comes to life. When I had a schedule and I was waking up at 4:00am on blogging consistently there was this huge emptiness, like is this all there is to life? I felt isolated from people, and I love being around people. I love feeding off the energy of positive people, and then reciprocating it. I moved to this spiritual University to learn how to heal; mentally, physically, spiritually, and to grow in all aspects of my life. To get rid of this feeling of I don’t know how, and I can’t fucking figure it out, and exchange that for, clues are all around me, and mistakes bring me closer to my goals. My heart was closed to love, b/c I thought, there is no way I can love someone while I’m figuring this out, and honestly, I know that I am looking at life in all the wrong ways. Life will never be perfect, and I have to make more mistakes in order to win what I am searching for. My meaning and purpose. My only goal in life is to help others. Help the planet, and be abundant in the process. To love what I do, and do what I love, so when the going gets tough I can lead and persist with my heart.
I had a huge wake up call when my email bounced back from my mentor. What happened? Did they block me? Does that company not exist anymore? Are they okay? And I realized, I’ve known them for 3 years, telling them I want to be an entrepreneur, and I just haven’t done it yet. It was a big hit in the face. WFT am I doing? Many books, classes, failed companies later, I still haven’t figured it out yet. But at the same time, at least I have had the courage to take a few leaps.
Eric Thomas “I can, I will, I must!”. I believe that. I believe that if I just keep putting in effort, and keep showing up, something is going to present itself to me. But I have to work, and I have to take the leap. I’m terrified to write a book, but I have to look fear in the face, and do it anyways. I have to get all of these beautiful theories out of my head and on to paper.
One really good lesson my job has taught me is, if you practice you will get better. My job has taught me many things. The more you do it, the easier and faster you get, and the more you can try and add new things to what you are doing. My job teaches me to push through the mental blocks and just produce unique content even when I’m not in a “good mood”. Life has been pushing me, working before the sun comes up on my dreams, and after the sun comes down, and stop complaining about it, b/c it’s a waste of time.
But one thing I’ve learned is, I can’t waste anymore time thinking about what book I want to write. There is a book in my head called my auto biography, and it needs to be written. I love writing short stories, and I haven’t written one in a while. I’ve put off buying a Wacom to start on a digital art project b/c of fear, b/c I have the limiting belief that it’s too late for me to learn a skill I'm only half sure about.
But I’ve already starting learning the basics of digital art (the very basics). I found a $5 course online, and I was like there is no excuse to do the things I want to do, why am I making all of these excuses?
But then I start to overwhelm myself with future projects. And I have a problem with over committing to thing when I simply cannot attend. I juggle a lot with helping my mom get settled, full time job, part time side hustle, and trying to have a social life. But not having enough time, and sacrifice are real things. I can have anything, but I can’t have everything. There are 24 hours in a day, and I have to choose what I want to do with them. I like food, art, conversations with friends about progressive ideas, painting, drawing, art, yoga, working out, cooking healthy food, and the list goes on. I love being outside, I love nature, I love being in love, which is something I haven’t experienced in a long time. But this time, I’m going to do it right. There is no perfect, and I’m working on “good enough” being good enough. I will have the life I desire, and I will figure out how to have a fulfilling life, and I’m putting effort into enjoying life more. I’m a grateful, and God, thank you for everything! Do you feel lost sometimes? What do you do in order to move yourself forward? I'd love to hear from you, comment or email me! Till then, remember that you too can
BEE THE CHANGE OVER TIME!