Another Fail? No, Another Experience!

Finding your Passion:

“It’s not about the Destination, it's about the Journey" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know that it’s been a while since I wrote a blog. I thought that it was pointless, and that no-one would want to read it, b/c what the hell do I have to say? I’m a 32-year-old single woman with no kids. I’ve never been married, and I come from a dysfunctional background. But the thing is I was just scared to share, afraid to be judge, but the thing is, I l know that you will be judged regardless, it’s what humans do. We create categories in order to understand our world through our perceptions whether they are correct or not. I have been looking for my passion and purpose for 4 years, and aggressively for 2 years. When I was 28 years old, I left my toxic relationship, and decided that I was going to start over again. I was drinking too much, I had no self-esteem, and I hated my life. It wasn’t like I was stupid, I had my college degree, I enjoyed learning and reading books, but my inner dialoged was one of an abused child. You are fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and you will never amount to anything no matter how hard you try.

I was lucky to have ran across the book “The Power of Now”, and that book helped me become aware of the chatter and emotions that I was reacting to and not analyzing and responding to them accordingly. I was living by my emotions, I was letting my subconscious run the show, and not me. But, I started to wake up when I was 25 years-old, and contemplating taking my own life for the 7th time, this was a direct result of me trying to drink my problems away. My body hurt, my soul was empty, and I thought, let me go to the hospital and get some help. I will never forget the nurse who sat down and listened to my story, he saved my life by just listening to me. And I give God credit for the small acts of kindness from strangers, for they are the things that make life worth living. But, one thing I will say is, I’ve always been brave enough to try new things.

When I was 28 and decided to move in with my mom and let go of all toxic friends, toxic ex’s, and decided to change my paradigm. Moving in with my mom probably wasn’t the best idea has her mental health was rapidly declining, and I was not able to stop drinking as I watched my mom destroy herself mentally, physically, and spiritually. The close proximity and negativity was rubbing off on me, and I knew I had to get out. But I did what I set out to do, and that was save up enough to buy a reliable car and move back to Dallas, which was calling me. I had made up my mind to break this curse of poverty and victimization that my parents had passed down to me. I was determined to find success. Little did I know that becoming successful was more about your mind and energy, and less about what you know and where you are from.

After my 30th birthday I moved back to Dallas. My friend had an apartment for 2 months that I could rent. But I fell into a major depression. All of the money I saved to moved to Dallas and start over again, I drank it in 2 months! This is largely b/c my father had just been released from prison and decided to call me after 15 years like nothing had ever happened. Unable to process my emotions, it drank.

Depressed and driving for a grocery delivery service to keep my head above water, I didn’t know what to do. All I could do was pray and start looking for a decent paying job.

Dec 2018 after being in Dallas for about 3 months, I was desperate, sleeping on my friend’s floor praying for a way out. It’s funny when you are desperate, how much more open you become. I got lucky, my associate recommended me to an interview and it changed my life, for better or worse you decide.

Through a series of events, I went into an interview for a maid position, and ended up getting a personal assistant job for a billionaire. I had made an impression, and my mentor opened the door. I was being exposed to a world I had never been exposed to ever before!

I learned so much from that experience, what it takes to run a 20,000 sq ft mansion, what it takes to throw a party for celebrities, and the list goes on. Even though the job wasn’t my passion, it will always be an experience I will never forget. But please let me tell you, money does not promise happiness, money only amplifies who you already are. If you are good, then you will do more good, and if you are bad, then you will do more bad, and that is all I have to say on that matter.

I’m not the one to throw people under the bus, so I will keep it brief. I had to walk away from an unprofessional, emotionally abusive mentor. Though he was opening doors for me, it came at a price I was no longer willing to pay. I walked away from my job, my business, and didn’t look back, and it took a lot of strength to do that. Ladies, don’t ever let anyone treat you less than the child of God you truly are.

I learned about self-respect, self-worth, and to question what others say versus what they do. So, August 2020 after making the most money I have ever made in a year, I walked away from my business, my job, and focused on me. I had just turned 32 years old, and I was starting over yet again. I was terrified. There was no moving back in with my mom, b/c at this point her mental health had completely deteriorated and I was having to take care of her. But I did take something with me, an expanded mindset.

I had saved $17k and had this gave me some time to think, and figure out my next move. I decided to address my alcohol issue again has it had magically appeared back in my life, after a very emotionally abusive situation. It was stealing my brain power, motivation, and time. I still fight it, but at least I’m not consumed by it. But then the question came up, what would I do next? COVID was in full affect, and I knew that I needed to find income that would allow me to grow and learn. You. Know, the universe is funny, b/c I had just gotten a corporate job, and grabbing lunch after a successful second interview, I started talking to a man who said he had made $180 his first year, and was looking to pass $200k this year and I thought about the book “Rich Dad Poor Dad” where he took a Xerox door-to-door sales job in order to overcome his fear of sales and talking to strangers. I thought, it’s risky, but it has potential, let’s do it! I had to apologize to my friend about the corporate job, and dived in!

I was successful. But my mom started to decline rapidly, and my consistency in my job went down. Where I should have made $10/monthly I made roughly $6k /monthly and took the entire month of December off. September 2020 – Dec 2020 I should have made $40k but I only made $17.5k. It’s not bad, but I knew I could do more. And then I started to learn not just about my emotional intelligence but also my emotional fitness which was low. I wanted to make $100k but with my mother, father on the back of my mind, my emotions, I found myself unable to focus and stay consistent.

I loved learning about the sales industry, but it was time to move to a different company. I had given my blood, sweat, and tears to this company, but I was finding myself lying awake at night thinking about issues of the company, and issues that repeatedly kept coming up. Again, I’m not here to bring others down, b/c it gave me a wonderful opportunity, but it was time for me to change directions. Or as I like to say, follow my moral compass.

I’m now actively seeking new employment, and still trying to figure out how to give others value. I don’t know, there is a small hope that, maybe instead of just sharing my wins, sharing all these damn failures will hope keep you motivated. I’m a firm believer in what Jim Rohn said, “don’t stop until…”, until you win! I wish that I could tell you I know what direction I’m going in, but I can tell you this.

Every day I look up ways to start a business, to create value for others, and make the world a better place while expanding myself as well. I know this isn’t the usually happy, you can do it, but I’m hoping that maybe this will give you a little more perspective. I envision when I look back and I’ve made it, I can see it wasn’t always smooth sailing, and in fact, most of the time I feel like I’m climbing up a mountain trying to let go of all my emotional baggage and self-doubt. I hope that this will inspire people all over to share the truths about life, and still move towards the success they deserve! If you loved this article, please share! Also, please leave feedback! I love to hear what you think about these articles, that way I can write more about what you want to hear!

Thanks, and remember you too can BeeTheChangeOverTime!